Steven Wright is All Atwitter

Posted by Richard on

Happened to stumble upon Twitter. Not yet sure what it is other than another social networking website people can go to just blab about whatever they feel like at that moment — sort of like talking out loud in a room you think is probably empty, but may suddenly have a hundred people listening and responding.

Anyway, found some of comedian Steven Wright’s twitterings, and he has some great one-liners:

  • I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit but it wouldn’t matter.
  • My girlfriend got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
  • I have an existential map. It has “You are here” written all over it.
  • It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is — it’s always room temperature.
  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
  • I lost a button hole today.
  • If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
  • If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  • Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
  • I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
  • I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
  • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
  • I bought some dehydrated water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
  • For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Author’s Note: This brief entry survived the purging of my Ramblings for a few reasons —

  1. Steven Wright writes some dåmn funny stuff — still funny after five years;
  2. Of interest probably only to me, when I first discovered Twitter in June ’07, they were getting about 20,000 tweets per day. That was two months before the first Twitter hashtag was used; I didn’t actually send my first tweet until February 2009 which was about Twitter’s 1.2 billionth sent over almost three years. Now, they get 1.2 billion tweets every 3½ days.
  3. I naively called tweets “twitterings”, which I find somewhat amusing.