Don’t be fooled by the divine-sounding name and the halo-adorning monk on the streetside signage; St. John’s Restaurant ain’t no frilly salad bar or frou-frou, scone-serving tearoom. Since 1981, the popular bar and grill has been dishing up heart attacks waiting to happen — high-fat, high-salt, high-calorie, grilled foods served in paper-lined plastic baskets and eaten by hand.
Most of St. John’s extensive menu is a celebration of unhealthy (but heavenly) food, revolving around variations of three hearty and satisfying plates: hamburgers, chicken sandwiches, and Philly cheesesteaks. The aptly described “Best Burgers in Town” start at a third of a pound and work their way up to “The Big Daddy”, a massive one-pounder. Lunchtime on weekdays offers daily sandwich specials that range from tender pulled pork to St. John’s famous barbequed tri-tip. A golden-fried, salty side-order of “Just Cut Fries” (larger than shoestrings, but smaller than wedges) has just the right amount of skin and the perfect crispy crunch. Want to risk your health even further? Heaping appetizers such as the artery-clogging, sour-cream-and-chive-topped bacon cheese fries are to die for.
The elderly, the infirm, and others with a weak disposition are warned to stay away from “Beg For Mercy”, a extra topping applicable to burgers, chicken sandwiches, and cheesesteaks. Toasted serrano peppers, chipotle mayonnaise, and pepper jack cheese smother your meat of choice and provide a tangy zip about three times hotter than jalapeño peppers or Tabasco® sauce. A few other pungent options include roasted garlic and bleu cheese (my personal favorite), hot jalapeños, Cajun spice, and hickory barbeque. With all the available aromatic zing, don’t expect to get to first base if you bring a date here, not without a bucket of breath mints — bland food is just not an option. Children have an out, however: the choice of plain cheeseburger, grilled cheese, or cheese quesadilla.
Wash everything down with mai-tais, daiquiris, or piña coladas, or choose from one of thirteen brews on tap available from the saloon bar in the back. The old-West feel of the bar is a bit incongruous with the slightly Alpine-style decor of the rest of the eatery, but it’s a fun and friendly place to hang out. The stained-glass skylights, sporadically located throughout the restaurant and artificially lit with fluorescence, add a nice, warm glow to the dark, wood-covered walls and ceilings. Booths are big and roomy, although the tables for two are a bit small. When the weather is nice, take advantage of the ample picnic-table seating outside in the patio area.
The original St. John’s is located in Cupertino, and the same owners also created the popular Armadillo Willy’s BBQ restaurants. Located off Lawrence Expressway, St. John’s second location (my hang-out of choice) is just south of Highway 101. There is no left-turn lane on southbound Lawrence Expressway at the small drive leading to the restaurant (directly across from Kern Avenue) so you’ll have to make a U-turn at Arques Avenue. The small business park has lots of parking, but it’s often busy — and the longer it takes to find a parking spot, the longer the chuck wagon ordering line is likely to be.
Sinful St. John’s is definitely worth the wait.
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