Funny Thoughts to Live By

Some random thoughts on life you’ve heard before, and maybe some you haven’t:

• There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.
• There are only 10 kinds of people; people who grok binary and people who don’t.
• No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be run away from.
• The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
• You know it must be Spring when you’re breathing in short pants.

Photo © iStockPhoto.com / Simon Ushakov

And pants don’t get much shorter than these!

• The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• If you can’t annoy somebody, there’s little point in writing.
• Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Always yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
• Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Those who try to do something and fail are better off than those who try to do nothing and succeed.
• There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don’t tell people everything you know.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
• Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.
• Always remember that you’re unique — just like everyone else.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

2 Responses to “Funny Thoughts to Live By”

1. Barry Steer November 5th, 2002

   Hello Richard,

   I like your site. I stumbled accross it with that CONTROLS.MAN problem when installing windows XP professional. By the way, thanks for the advise. It worked wonders. I agree with all the stuff you say about microsoft and I like your section on “Thoughts to live by”. I thought you’d like some of these “Pearls of Wisdom”. You may have read these before but if not they are quite good.

   • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
   • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
   • It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
   • Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
   • No one is listening until you fart.
   • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of loan repayments.
   • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just fûçk off and leave me alone.
   • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
   • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day,
   • If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
   • Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
   • Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
   • Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
   • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
   • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
   • Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
   • There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
   • Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
   • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
   • We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our åss … then things get worse.

   Reply
2. James F. March 23rd, 2004

   The early bird may get the worm, but the second rat gets the cheese.

   Reply